I won’t lie, my first smear was scary AF. Well, leading up to it was, but getting it done just WASN’T THAT BAD! Here are some tips on how to cope during a smear.
Now, there’s only two things in life you don’t ever want to be fashionably late for, and they’re both fanny related – one is your period, and two is your smear test.
Let’s start with one statistic that might shock you, cervical cancer is ONEHUNDREDPERCENTPREVENTABLE. But of all the young women entitled to a smear test, 25% of women don’t attend…. crazy or what!
Yet, for women under 35 cervical cancer is the most common type of cancer…
35% of women wont go because of the way they feel about their body…
1 in 6 women would miss a smear over a gym class… (who are these heathens?)
If you don’t know what a smear entails it’s this: you lie on a bed under a big light, the nurse puts some stretchy tool in your foof, opens you up a bit and lightly(!!!) scrapes some cells off your cervix using quite a gentle tool. That’s it, it takes less than a minute, it shouldn’t hurt, but yes it is very strange lying on a bed spread eagle in front of a lady you only met 5 minutes ago (unless thats your kind of thing). Your nurse will have seen every single type of fanny in existence, they probably all just look the same now. She will be probably mentally cooking the tea, or imagining the day her husband finally pulls his fucking finger out and books the bloody holiday once and for all!
If that doesn’t quell your smear fear, I’m here to give you a comprehensive list of things more painful/embarrassing/uncomfortable than a smear test (including 100% accurate statistics).
Things Worse Than A Smear
Removing a dry tampon – 79,000% more painful than a smear
Reading drunk texts. When you’re sober – 575% more embarrassing than a smear
Stubbing your toe on anything at all – 196% more painful than a smear
Bumping into the same person more than once in the supermarket – 1000% more uncomfortable than a smear
Accidentally hurting your pet – 209% more painful than a smear
Fanny fart in front of someone sexy – 5,000% more embarrassing than a smear
The small talk before a smear – 301% more uncomfortable than a smear
Banging a fresh acrylic – infinitely more painful than a smear
Falling over drunk in front of someone fit – 178% more embarrassing than a smear
Finding out you’ve contracted a preventable disease because you didn’t want to flash your gash for one minute – 1million % worse than a smear test.
Making A Smear More Comfortable.
If you’re concerned that your nurse will be repulsed by your lady garden (she wont!), be sure to tidy yourself up, wear your best knickers and carry some feminine wipes to use before your appointment.
Take some CBD oil, or Kalms, or Rescue Remedy to settle your nerves before you go in.
Practice some idle chit chat conversation ideas (I swear this is what you do most of during a smear!), don’t be afraid to ask your nurse if she is as excited for lunch as you are.
Take a friend, your mum or your partner. They can hold your hand without seeing *down there* too close up. I mean if you want them viewing your hole at that angle, go for it – whatever tickles your pickle!
Amy x
alchemybyamyuk@outlook.com
Amy Versus Life 